classpectlab:

Originally written by @batjectivity, for ClasspectLab’s Task 1.0, 2016.

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A Page of Breath.

The inspiration. The driver. The shining example. Of motivation. Of pursuing passion.

By very definition it is taking the role of someone meant to be a driving force and amplifying that by twenty. But the higher you go the harder you fall and it’s so, so easy to fall.

It’s being the loudest person in the room, the magnetic force that can command the attention of everyone, but it’s doubting yourself with every word. It’s suppressing the urge to push for what you want because you know how easily you’ve gone off path before. It’s understanding full well that you’re not the most capable person in the room, and trying so hard to just defer, because you don’t want to be a battering ram. It’s not being able to help it.

There’s also that element of forgetting yourself, of being bubbly and charming when you can’t help it, and gaining all the plus points with everyone. It’s always being the loudest in the room, because most of you doesn’t care what anyone else thinks, and part of that is about being the most dedicated person you can be. It’s being a little theatrical and way too passionate, and maybe a little of that whiny tone of the most dedicated fan in the world trying to win you over to their side.

When your interest is caught, everything else just fades in importance and you’re caught up in just moving and pushing and sweeping everything forward like an unstoppable wave.

A Page of Breath is that thrill of giving in to that, it’s finally pushing and pushing and pushing and not being able to stop, it’s yelling at everyone to “come on, come on, we can do this, we have to do this, get your butt moving” until everyone is up and running. And it’s just like leading the race only to stumble just before the finish line, and watch as everyone else runs across, until you eventually get swept up in the wave, crossing the finish line forgotten. You push and push until you’re hunched over, gasping and crying for all the dedication you’ve poured in, but you can’t move another step. You burn out and everyone keeps going, ahead of you. And they’re doing so much better than you ever could. And you get that it’s all part of your growth, that one day you’ll have it in you to make it, but for now you’re just left there knowing that you played a part in someone else’s victory.

Being a Page is meant to be hard, and you’re faced with rejection after failure after soul-crushing defeat. Each time you get thrown back is meant to teach you caution, but it’s hard when the other side of title is telling you that you need to deflect, to bounce back. How do you ever remember to learn things when your first instinct is to shove your past experiences away? The aspect of Breath thrives on its untouchability, so how is it possible to grow and develop when the minute you free your inhibitions, and work your influence, you can’t help but forget the last time you suffered? But it’s also that impenetrability that helps you to keep going, to keep chasing your goals over and over with the same ferocity and abandon.

The best part? The feeling you get when you’re running and the person you’ve been dragging along with you, trembling and hoping that your grip on them will be strong enough not to break, starts to move of their own accord, and it’s watching their back when they finally find their feet and start to sprint ahead.

It’s okay, you’ll catch up one day.